It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I've even felt like writing about what God is up to. Mostly because I've not been sure what He's been up to with me. There have been some times since getting my new job at APSU that God has come and loved on me or shown me something in my life that needed to be dealt with...but it still has felt rather distant.

Yesterday and today it's been different. After listening to John's basketball game on the radio last night, the Lord used it to talk to me about this place I'm in. Only God would us a game I know so little about to teach me and love on me~anyway, He told me that I was out of the game for now because as the Coach, He knows what's best for His players. That He has seen me getting tired and coming out of the game long enough to grab a drink of water and wipe the sweat from my face and the hustle back into the game. He has now put me on the bench so that I can have some long drinks of water and get my strength back. It's time for me to drink deeply and rehydrate.

Then this a.m. as I'm in worship - God gave me the picture of me in a "slip" like cloak, facing away from him and down the road just a little bit. He calls my name and I return to Him, He puts my Robe of Righteousness back on me and as I fall to His feet and thank Him, He reaches down and takes my hand to have me stand. He grabs me and hugs me - a long passionate embrace as we whisper in each others ears....I love you. He then tells me that He wants to embrace me a while longer before we return to the party. And so, I'm in the Father's arms right now.

This is not a bad place to be!!! I've not adjusted as well or as smoothly as I would have liked to being at APSU working with so many non-believers...but the good thing is...God loves me so much that He benched me from play while I get my bearings on the new game and get rested. And when I've been looking away from Him at all the world has been saying (especially through my new circumstances) He has called me back to His embrace.

And so now, I will rest in the embrace of the One who loves me more than words could ever express.

Grace & Mercy

This past week I've been filled with "myself." I've seen more of my sin nature than I ever care to see again! Things that I've dealt with in the past and thought had put away, came rolling back in to torment me. As I have been cleaning up my heart through confession and repentance, today, I was reminded of REAL grace & REAL mercy.

Thank you God that I don't get what my sin deserves! Thank you that you allow me a chance to come to you - over and over as needed - to get cleaned up. To put back on the robe of righteousness. I don't deserve it in any way. Yet you so freely come to me as I walk back down the road - toward home - and you place the robe of righteousness back on me and place your ring back on my finger. THEN you celebrate my return. It's all so amazing to me.

I don't know that I can ever understand how people live this life without You. Jesus you overwhelm me with your love and goodness to me. Thank you for not letting me get to far down the road before I hear your voice calling for me to come home. Thank you that whenever I do come back to confess, you give me forgiveness. Thank you for GRACE & MERCY!

Love How God works with me!

Since writing last night about disappointment and being alone again in the job, the Lord has come to give me a little insight. One thing He impressed upon me is that when I left Colorado I was sad to think about how my time alone with Him was so sweet because He was all I had. Then as I was thinking about how I would respond when I get the question, which I'm asked whenever a decision has been made and I'm informed of it, 'is that ok?' - I've asked Jesus to do the responding. That if I'm to be Jesus on this campus, then even my human disappointment must come under His authority. So, Jesus come and respond however you want. Jesus, use this time that I'll be alone on the job to do some things in me and through me.

Take this great disappointment that things aren't turning out the way I thought they would and make something beautiful and glorifying to God the Father out of it. Take the tears I shed over it not turning out the way I thought it would be and turn them into laughter that comes from the depth of joy in YOU. Mold me using this situation. Thank you for this opportunity to turn to You again. This did not catch you by surprise and You have a plan - please sir, would you show me the plan and give me some direction.

Blessed is the name of the Lord Our God - the Creator of Heaven & Earth. Who can know your plans, for your ways are higher than my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts...make my thoughts like yours!

Alone Again?

What a disappointment I had today! I LOVE my new job. I've been there a month and I'm enjoying the work and the people. Then today my boss tells me that he is going to spend most of his time in a different building and a different office. The disappointment is that it puts me working alone - again! Just like when I was at Montrex and spent most days by myself. The big difference this time is that I won't have any freedom in that alone time because it's not my family's business!

So I've been really feeling the disappointment. It's not like I want my boss around all the time by any means but from what I understand, it will be more like he's never around. We'll conduct all our business over the phone or by e-mail. And that leads me to ask the question...so God what is this all about?

Oh, I know my boss has some personality things going on and that this is not about me in any form or fashion. He did the same thing with the previous secretary. But what is this going to be about as far as God's plan? Why would I be in another job where I'll be spending 95-98% of my time alone? My first thought is Colorado. Only instead of going home to be alone, I'll be alone at work. But I also am spending a lot more time alone at home as well, so what's that about?

This is one big puzzle - I KNOW that God has a plan but I can not see it. I know HIS plans are more advanced than any man's thoughts or plans. He has placed me in this place for a reason so, what's that reason. With all the jobs I looked at, one of my greatest concerns was being alone in an office again - and here I am! Oh I know, there are some people down the hall and there will be a few people who bring me things but I've found that for the most part, when I'm alone in the office, I'm ALONE in the office.

OK, the plan - spend some time with Jesus and see if He won't give me some insight or a plan to do this again - and to do it in an even more hostile environment than I've been in before.

Somehow, just laying it all out like this has helped to lift some of the disappointment. Yep, I'm doing better - not because of anything magical about typing this out but because I know that Jesus has the plan and seeing that in black and white makes it even more powerful. Stay tuned and see what Jesus has to reveal in this situation! :)

Turning 50

Today, I turned 50! I have so been looking forward to 50 ~ it is my year of jubliee! After the past year, actually, past several years, I'm ready for some jubliee!

What a gift God gave me first thing this a.m. - I take Snickers out and the golden leaves are raining down in my front yard. It was so beautiful to watch so many leaves all falling gently to the ground! The crisp fall air and the beautiful sun rise reflecting off the golden leaves.

Lunch with my dad - such a wonderful time for just me and him! We just chatted and it was pleasant - no stress at all!

Then tonight, my dear sister, has a limo pick me up and it is FULL of my dearest gift of all - my friends! We laughed and laughed. My first time in a limo and I must say - it was a TREAT!

As I reflect upon the dear faces that sat around the table I'm so amazed at the grace and mercy of God. To have such precious friends, ladies that I love to spend time with! Women of God who have braved the battles of life, laughed together and cried together. Women who bring a smile to my face when I just think of them.

Yes, 50 is fine! No mid-life crisis - all though I think I'm past mid-life anyway, but no crisis. How can there be regrets when I have so many blessings. How can getting older be bad when you have so many people to love? How can 50 be bad when God is so AMAZING! No regrets, only praise for the one who has given me more than I could have ever asked for or even imagined. A family that I LOVE more with each day. Friends to share life. God you are so good to me...forgive me for the times I let the everyday steal the joy of knowing you! Thank you for 50 amazing years and for whatever time you want me to have here on earth. Thank you God for the gift of my life!

Elections & God's Will

As I was praying this morning about the election, I asked for God's will to be done. I know what my opinion of what I wanted that to be, because it would make my life more secure and less frightening.

Then tonight I was working on my Bible study and it was on learning through suffering. It all got my thoughts going with how I just hate to suffer. I'm such a spoiled American. I don't really know what suffering for my faith is all about. Even when I have suffered loss or difficult circumstances, it has not been like others who suffer TRUE hunger, loss of home, a family killed in an explosion, or the fear to walk the streets.

I know this, it is God's Will that Christ returns for the church one day. Perhaps, the events that have taken place today are necessary for that part of His will to happen. This I KNOW, God loves all men and desires none to be lost. God promised Jesus would return. God's will being done on this earth is my heart's cry. Nothing that happens is a surprise to God. So, in these days of uncertainty I choose to thank God that He works all things together for good and I commit to pray for my leaders and my country ~ more now than before!

The Blues

I was just evaluating why I'm experiencing the "blues" today. It started with 2 1/2 hours at Firestone waiting for my car - about $700 worth of stuff had to be done. The van is also in need of repairs so that got me going I think. I was sitting there at one point and thought it felt like Colorado. Now you need to understand that whenever I think of Colorado there is good and tough stuff there. Colorado was the loneliness time of my life. I felt shelved by the Lord and didn't have any "running around" friends. I had a wonderful job and some wonderful people in my life but I was very 'alone' on weekends and evenings. That is what it felt like today at Firestone. Now truth is that in Colorado and here, there are people in my life and I am loved...that doesn't change how I was feeling at the moment.

So, tonight I was thinking about how I'm about to turn 50 and wondering about life choices I've made and things that might be different. Then it hit me, I needed to get up and get the lights on in the house, turn on some praise music and count my blessings. Mind you, that doesn't change some things in my life but it does help me to see things more clearly. I'm facing a new job and while I'm excited about it, I still have the same feelings I did when I was in my 20's starting something new, 'will I be good at this job?', 'will the people like me?', 'will I like the people?'

Somethings never change and others get better with time or at least become more in focused. This one thing I know, that Jesus has taken good care of me! He didn't die on the cross so that I would walk in failure, sadness, or defeat. No, whatever comes my way, Jesus is for me. Victory may not look like the world's idea of success but victory in my heart and life will look like the Kingdom of God. So while I'm battling the blues I choose now to praise God for all He has done in my life. If that doesn't chase the blues away, nothing will!

See, God has given me a house of my own. He's given me 2 cars, my family close by, a loving church family, friends I love and enjoy, and now a job! But those things aren't the best of what He's given me. He's teaching me patience in circumstances and with people. He's given me peace that makes no earthly sense. He loves me with an amazing eternal love I can't begin to comprehend and He's so merciful that when I sin, He's there to teach me from it and forgive me of it. Yeah, I think reflecting on these things can chase away the blues. I'm feeling better already. Off now to get somethings done around this lovely earthly home He's given me.