Reflections

What a month!!! For 4-5 weeks now it has been one blow after another. It reminds me of the Rocky movies!!! I feel like my body AND my faith have taken some real blows and now I'm all bloody and can barely see out of my eyes. It has felt like I'd get up from the last blow and BAM, another one comes out of no where! I've not seen some of these coming and the ones I knew where headed toward me, I couldn't avoid, I just had to take it.

After spending weeks of just getting up right away, I had a complete MELT DOWN and thought, in COMPLETE HONESTY, that I was down for the count. I wasn't sure I wanted to get up or that I could get up. My head has been spinning, my emotions are raw, my body even aches at times.

For the first time I was able to relate to Job. I pondered him a lot actually. How can you lose EVERYTHING like he did and still not curse the name of the Lord? WOW!!! While I didn't curse God or His Holy name, I did ask lots of questions!!! He could have stopped so much of what has taken place. He could have answered our prayers the way we wanted Him too. He could have stepped in and made some of this easier. Yet, He didn't. I kept waiting for the Lord to come and ask me what He asked Job - where were you when I created the heavens and the earth?

Instead though God has been silent. I've thought about the angel in Daniel who was unable to get through quickly because of the battle. I wondered if that was part of this. I've put praise music on to help keep my focus. I've laid on my bed and pondered life and what will happen next. I've avoid thinking by watching TV. I've gotten out of bed on days when all I really wanted to do was just lay there. Not that I've gotten out every day but I did manage to do it more than not!

I spent 5 nights crying and not sleeping. When I say crying, I really mean WAILING. I'm talking about crying so hard that my body was shaking, I couldn't see, I couldn't move crying. THEN, it stopped. It was some of the most intense GRIEF I've ever felt.

The battles now are fear of the unknown. This is where I have to trust God and for the first time since becoming a follower of Jesus, I've had trouble with trusting. I don't know why. I've revisited how God has provided for me - all the times He not only came through for me but did more than I ever deserved! No matter how I've felt in the past - He's never left me. He's always showed up. He's always brought good from bad. He's always taught me lessons. He's ALWAYS been God. Yet this time I've struggled with trusting? What is that all about?

So now I'm walking blindly. The Lord has NOT given me a promise. He has not spoken anything directly to me about ANY of this. I've been repenting for sin I find as I go. And I wait.

A very different place to be. I really don't want to talk to people about it anymore. I don't want to think about it all any more. I WANT TO LIVE IN DENIAL!!! Yet I don't!

In a nutshell, life is just full of contradictions and uncertainty. One thing I KNOW - God loves me. And for now, that's ALL I HAVE - I HAVE TO BELIEVE IT AND TRUST THAT TRUTH!!! It's all I have!