Today, my sweet niece became a MRS. It was a beautiful outdoor ceremony with just the families there. My cousin came to take the pictures, which was a HUGE blessing! Then we had a little reception at my brother's house. I can't believe the little girl who came to stay with me one weekend in Franklin - many, many moons ago - and sang in the back seat as we drove to get dinner out - McDonald's of course - is now a married woman.
There are several weddings in the next month and they all have special meanings to me. This is the only time I wonder what it would have been like if I had married and had a child. Most of the time I am EXTREMELY content with my life but today, I wondered what it would have been like to be a parent giving my daughter in marriage. I have no regrets, just wonderment at the way life changes.
I can be so harsh on parents sometimes. I try not to be, because it's the hardest job in the world, but alas, I have found myself saying things that come out before I think. It is amazing to me that God gives the blessing of children and then how that blessing is expanded and grows through time as you become an in-law and grandparent. What a wonderful God to give so freely, knowing that the gift of a child will bring you great job even to your old age!
Today, with no regrets, just wonderment, I again am reminded that children are a blessing! And that while I will never know what it is to have a child, I do have the joy of participate in the joy of God's gift, even if only briefly. What a great day this has been ~ a day of remembrance ~ a day of rejoicing ~ a day of new beginnings. Thanks God for the joy of being an aunt.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Going Deeper
God has taken me a little deeper than I communicated last night and thought this a.m. "I need to blog this too don't I Lord" ~ so here's some of the deeper stuff.
About 2 weeks ago in Cleansing Streams a wonderful sister hit the nail on the head as I was wrestling with what was going on in my relationship with the Lord. A husband needs to be respected. I was not respecting the Lord as my husband. I came home that night and asked for all the ways I was being disrespectful and my loving Husband told me. So I repented.
This a.m. my Beloved was showing me how the anger I felt toward Him for not "rescuing me the way I want to be rescued" was the root of my disrespect. We had already been talking about some of the anger stuff and I KNOW that the peace I have now is because I'm not angry with God for being God and not following my agenda. But with that anger, I was reminded of how many times I've been able to see when someone is angry with God and have talked to them about 'forgiving' God. Deep within us is that flesh that desires to be God ~ that part that came into existence in the Garden of Eden ~ and when we get angry with God, we are so arrogant to think that God, the Creator of Heaven & Earth, the Redeemer of our Souls, the Counselor who abides in us an creates a new heart in is - that this Holy, Righteous God is suppose to do what we want, when we want, how we want. Now, don't think this is a new revelation to me, I've known that this is a lie from the pit of hell, however, somehow this time this went to a deeper place. A place that asked God to forgive me for even thinking that I should have those type of expectations. It went to a place that I could physically feel deep in my spirit and did only what God can do - it somehow changed something.
May this be of encouragement that when we reach places in our lives where we are wrestling and hurting with why things are the way the are ~ that God desires to come in and go to a deep place and change something. Our role ~ to hear with spiritual ears, repent of sin, and honor Him as the Holy One of Israel.
About 2 weeks ago in Cleansing Streams a wonderful sister hit the nail on the head as I was wrestling with what was going on in my relationship with the Lord. A husband needs to be respected. I was not respecting the Lord as my husband. I came home that night and asked for all the ways I was being disrespectful and my loving Husband told me. So I repented.
This a.m. my Beloved was showing me how the anger I felt toward Him for not "rescuing me the way I want to be rescued" was the root of my disrespect. We had already been talking about some of the anger stuff and I KNOW that the peace I have now is because I'm not angry with God for being God and not following my agenda. But with that anger, I was reminded of how many times I've been able to see when someone is angry with God and have talked to them about 'forgiving' God. Deep within us is that flesh that desires to be God ~ that part that came into existence in the Garden of Eden ~ and when we get angry with God, we are so arrogant to think that God, the Creator of Heaven & Earth, the Redeemer of our Souls, the Counselor who abides in us an creates a new heart in is - that this Holy, Righteous God is suppose to do what we want, when we want, how we want. Now, don't think this is a new revelation to me, I've known that this is a lie from the pit of hell, however, somehow this time this went to a deeper place. A place that asked God to forgive me for even thinking that I should have those type of expectations. It went to a place that I could physically feel deep in my spirit and did only what God can do - it somehow changed something.
May this be of encouragement that when we reach places in our lives where we are wrestling and hurting with why things are the way the are ~ that God desires to come in and go to a deep place and change something. Our role ~ to hear with spiritual ears, repent of sin, and honor Him as the Holy One of Israel.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Peace in the Storm
I'm not sure how to start this blog but I know I need to write some for me mostly but also in case anyone is reading these. As I'm interviewing for different jobs and waiting for the Lord to show me how He'll pay the bills, I'm at peace. At first, I did wonder if this was denial but I now can say, it really is peace. In fact, I'm not letting myself really think about it much right now. Instead, I'm focusing on the things I'm suppose to be doing for family and friends. And most importantly, I'm spending more time in the Word.
Cleansing Streams and Living Beyond Yourself are walking me through the same process right now but from different angles. I'm spending some time just reading in John as well. I wish I could tell you that I spend hours upon hours in the Word and reading, but that's not the case. I do spend more time but I'm also busy doing other things - for people that I love.
I realized that I'm actually ready to get back to a routine with a job. Up until now, the thought of going to a job was depressing. But now, I see my mind resting, my spirit at peace, and Jesus is healing my heart, thus work doesn't seem to be so overwhelming. Now as to what work I do, don't really care. AND in addition, I'm ok with just working part time for a while if that's what is best for me. If anyone would have told me 8 months ago that I would be in this place now, I would of told them ~ "you're crazy" ~ this can only be to God's glory and for His purposes.
It's been a LONG time since I felt like God 'liked' me or 'loved' me. I think that the circumstances have been so difficult that I lost my perspective. I know I lost my motivation and my desire to be with God just to be with Him. I recently described it like being in a marriage where you are in a season where you are going through the motions, doing loving things but with no real love behind it. Being in a place with your spouse where you talk about the things of the day but don't talk about heart matters, dreams, desires or adventures. I've wanted to fall back in love with the Lord but have not known how to go about it. What is so wonderful, is that He has come after me and is showing me in so many wonderful ways that He likes me and He loves me ~ or as the author of THE SHACK put it ~ He's especially fond of me!
The Creator of the universe, the God of Abraham, the King of Kings, the Comforter, the One and Only, the Great I Am, meets with me daily to tell me that He likes me, that He loves me and that He will be my protector, provider and Beloved. It just doesn't get better than this here on earth!
Cleansing Streams and Living Beyond Yourself are walking me through the same process right now but from different angles. I'm spending some time just reading in John as well. I wish I could tell you that I spend hours upon hours in the Word and reading, but that's not the case. I do spend more time but I'm also busy doing other things - for people that I love.
I realized that I'm actually ready to get back to a routine with a job. Up until now, the thought of going to a job was depressing. But now, I see my mind resting, my spirit at peace, and Jesus is healing my heart, thus work doesn't seem to be so overwhelming. Now as to what work I do, don't really care. AND in addition, I'm ok with just working part time for a while if that's what is best for me. If anyone would have told me 8 months ago that I would be in this place now, I would of told them ~ "you're crazy" ~ this can only be to God's glory and for His purposes.
It's been a LONG time since I felt like God 'liked' me or 'loved' me. I think that the circumstances have been so difficult that I lost my perspective. I know I lost my motivation and my desire to be with God just to be with Him. I recently described it like being in a marriage where you are in a season where you are going through the motions, doing loving things but with no real love behind it. Being in a place with your spouse where you talk about the things of the day but don't talk about heart matters, dreams, desires or adventures. I've wanted to fall back in love with the Lord but have not known how to go about it. What is so wonderful, is that He has come after me and is showing me in so many wonderful ways that He likes me and He loves me ~ or as the author of THE SHACK put it ~ He's especially fond of me!
The Creator of the universe, the God of Abraham, the King of Kings, the Comforter, the One and Only, the Great I Am, meets with me daily to tell me that He likes me, that He loves me and that He will be my protector, provider and Beloved. It just doesn't get better than this here on earth!
Monday, September 1, 2008
SEASONS
I'm reminded that God takes us through different seasons. This season of life seems somewhat like fall. Things are dying off, while there are bright colors you know that death is about to follow...or a time of being dormant. Some things in me need to die. My self interest, my selfishness, some ugly attitudes, and a lack of gratefulness.
As I was typing the above, I was reminded of when I was in an interview, there were 2 people in the interview for graduate school. The man asked me what I felt was an area I had improved in and grown in. I gave him an answer I don't remember now, then a few questions later he asked me what area did I need to grow and change in. I said the same area I had told him I'd seen growth in. He was all over that...'but you just said earlier that you had really grown in that area. Which is true?' I remember smiling and explaining to him that while I had seen great growth in that area, I still had a long way to go so they were both true. That's the way of life isn't it? We grow in an area and yet we still see need for growth. Pride, materialism, quick to form opinions or judgements, a lack of prayer or time in the word, ALL of these are better than they had been but not what they should be. And what should they be? Better than they were the day before.
This season is peppered with opportunities to serve and I'm asking God to show me how to serve better, to love more, to be kinder, more committed, more faithful....less of me, more of Jesus.
So after fall comes winter. When all looks and feels cold. When trees seem to have no fruit, all that is happening is deep down, hidden from all eyes. Is that the season we are heading to next Lord?
Seasons....something I need to ponder more.
As I was typing the above, I was reminded of when I was in an interview, there were 2 people in the interview for graduate school. The man asked me what I felt was an area I had improved in and grown in. I gave him an answer I don't remember now, then a few questions later he asked me what area did I need to grow and change in. I said the same area I had told him I'd seen growth in. He was all over that...'but you just said earlier that you had really grown in that area. Which is true?' I remember smiling and explaining to him that while I had seen great growth in that area, I still had a long way to go so they were both true. That's the way of life isn't it? We grow in an area and yet we still see need for growth. Pride, materialism, quick to form opinions or judgements, a lack of prayer or time in the word, ALL of these are better than they had been but not what they should be. And what should they be? Better than they were the day before.
This season is peppered with opportunities to serve and I'm asking God to show me how to serve better, to love more, to be kinder, more committed, more faithful....less of me, more of Jesus.
So after fall comes winter. When all looks and feels cold. When trees seem to have no fruit, all that is happening is deep down, hidden from all eyes. Is that the season we are heading to next Lord?
Seasons....something I need to ponder more.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Glory
John 2:11 talks about how after Jesus turned water to wine "...thus revealed his glory and the disciples put their faith in him."
Well, this took me on a chase. I got to thinking what did it mean that turning water into wine showed "his glory." So off I go to look up the word Glory - went to Vine's dictionary: the nature and acts of god in self-manifestation....what He essentially is and does, as exhibited in whatever way he reveals Himself in these respects....exhibited in the character and acts of Christ while here on earth...then it mentions, in Cana (where he turned water to wine) His grace and power were exhibited.
Then Websters - 1828: splendor, magnificence, praise in adoration and honor, the divine presence, divine perfections or excellence.
So that got me thinking how God's character was seen in this miracle - His grace and His power. Now I want to look at each miracle and see what God was revealing of Himself through them.
In my own life, God's shown His amazing PEACE that doesn't make earthly sense. How can it?
Then, I've thought about all that has taken place this year, more than I can write....decisions that family members have made that have been hard to accept, the closing of the business was closing a chapter in my life - imagine how my brother feels when he's been there over 20+ years! As long as I can remember these businesses have been a part of the Fraley family.
I've felt a cloud has been over me for several years and NOW, finally at this moment in time, I finally feel like I'm starting to see outside of the fog. This past year has really been about survival. I've not sought the Lord in the usual ways. OH, I've prayed but I've not been in His Word like I would have thought. I think if I'm really honest with myself, a part of me has been angry with Him. Why? Because this has all been hard and messy. Now, I've sought His forgiveness and His mercy for my self indulgence and my 'pity party'.
Oh, it's not all over, not by a long shot....but I'm no longer wrestling with the whys, hows, and what's next? I'm finally at rest with it all...or at least with God. So...if you are in a struggle, HOLD FAST - God's Glory will be revealed. Just HOLD ON...He can change water to wine, He can change my life from selfish to service, anger to praise, frustration to forgiveness, wrestling to peace. This is the Lord God Almighty's speciality!!! And HIS Glory will cause those around to follow Him!!!!
Well, this took me on a chase. I got to thinking what did it mean that turning water into wine showed "his glory." So off I go to look up the word Glory - went to Vine's dictionary: the nature and acts of god in self-manifestation....what He essentially is and does, as exhibited in whatever way he reveals Himself in these respects....exhibited in the character and acts of Christ while here on earth...then it mentions, in Cana (where he turned water to wine) His grace and power were exhibited.
Then Websters - 1828: splendor, magnificence, praise in adoration and honor, the divine presence, divine perfections or excellence.
So that got me thinking how God's character was seen in this miracle - His grace and His power. Now I want to look at each miracle and see what God was revealing of Himself through them.
In my own life, God's shown His amazing PEACE that doesn't make earthly sense. How can it?
Then, I've thought about all that has taken place this year, more than I can write....decisions that family members have made that have been hard to accept, the closing of the business was closing a chapter in my life - imagine how my brother feels when he's been there over 20+ years! As long as I can remember these businesses have been a part of the Fraley family.
I've felt a cloud has been over me for several years and NOW, finally at this moment in time, I finally feel like I'm starting to see outside of the fog. This past year has really been about survival. I've not sought the Lord in the usual ways. OH, I've prayed but I've not been in His Word like I would have thought. I think if I'm really honest with myself, a part of me has been angry with Him. Why? Because this has all been hard and messy. Now, I've sought His forgiveness and His mercy for my self indulgence and my 'pity party'.
Oh, it's not all over, not by a long shot....but I'm no longer wrestling with the whys, hows, and what's next? I'm finally at rest with it all...or at least with God. So...if you are in a struggle, HOLD FAST - God's Glory will be revealed. Just HOLD ON...He can change water to wine, He can change my life from selfish to service, anger to praise, frustration to forgiveness, wrestling to peace. This is the Lord God Almighty's speciality!!! And HIS Glory will cause those around to follow Him!!!!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Over a year
WOW, I can't believe it's been a year. What a year it has been. We have closed Montrex down now and it was harder than I ever dreamed it would be. For months - since last fall - each week was up in the air...will we close this month or not. We finally just reached the point after Christmas when dad made the choice to close it all down. The building went on the market and in 3 weeks it was sold. UNHEARD of really! There was property that surrounded us that had been on the market for over 7 years and we sold in 3 weeks! Only Pappa can do that!!!!
So this blog is just to get things up and moving again and over the next week or so, I plan to review this past year and ponder some of the things that have taken place and where things seem to be headed. Not that I have any idea about the future!
But it has taken me months to get to feeling more "normal" emotionally and spiritually. I've known some hard times - suicidal death of a co-worker and all that came as a result of that, including testifying in court, having my heart broken - not just in a romantic way but in the loss of my mom to mental illness, the loneliness of being out west with no family, the loss of some dreams, and having work situations where there was behavior that bordered on abusive. But this past year has been the most difficult. That's what I'll be writing about mostly. So, if you want to walk this road, check in often or sign up for an e-mail update.
I'm also getting back on track with my crafting blog if you have an interest - check it out!
So this blog is just to get things up and moving again and over the next week or so, I plan to review this past year and ponder some of the things that have taken place and where things seem to be headed. Not that I have any idea about the future!
But it has taken me months to get to feeling more "normal" emotionally and spiritually. I've known some hard times - suicidal death of a co-worker and all that came as a result of that, including testifying in court, having my heart broken - not just in a romantic way but in the loss of my mom to mental illness, the loneliness of being out west with no family, the loss of some dreams, and having work situations where there was behavior that bordered on abusive. But this past year has been the most difficult. That's what I'll be writing about mostly. So, if you want to walk this road, check in often or sign up for an e-mail update.
I'm also getting back on track with my crafting blog if you have an interest - check it out!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Reflections
What a month!!! For 4-5 weeks now it has been one blow after another. It reminds me of the Rocky movies!!! I feel like my body AND my faith have taken some real blows and now I'm all bloody and can barely see out of my eyes. It has felt like I'd get up from the last blow and BAM, another one comes out of no where! I've not seen some of these coming and the ones I knew where headed toward me, I couldn't avoid, I just had to take it.
After spending weeks of just getting up right away, I had a complete MELT DOWN and thought, in COMPLETE HONESTY, that I was down for the count. I wasn't sure I wanted to get up or that I could get up. My head has been spinning, my emotions are raw, my body even aches at times.
For the first time I was able to relate to Job. I pondered him a lot actually. How can you lose EVERYTHING like he did and still not curse the name of the Lord? WOW!!! While I didn't curse God or His Holy name, I did ask lots of questions!!! He could have stopped so much of what has taken place. He could have answered our prayers the way we wanted Him too. He could have stepped in and made some of this easier. Yet, He didn't. I kept waiting for the Lord to come and ask me what He asked Job - where were you when I created the heavens and the earth?
Instead though God has been silent. I've thought about the angel in Daniel who was unable to get through quickly because of the battle. I wondered if that was part of this. I've put praise music on to help keep my focus. I've laid on my bed and pondered life and what will happen next. I've avoid thinking by watching TV. I've gotten out of bed on days when all I really wanted to do was just lay there. Not that I've gotten out every day but I did manage to do it more than not!
I spent 5 nights crying and not sleeping. When I say crying, I really mean WAILING. I'm talking about crying so hard that my body was shaking, I couldn't see, I couldn't move crying. THEN, it stopped. It was some of the most intense GRIEF I've ever felt.
The battles now are fear of the unknown. This is where I have to trust God and for the first time since becoming a follower of Jesus, I've had trouble with trusting. I don't know why. I've revisited how God has provided for me - all the times He not only came through for me but did more than I ever deserved! No matter how I've felt in the past - He's never left me. He's always showed up. He's always brought good from bad. He's always taught me lessons. He's ALWAYS been God. Yet this time I've struggled with trusting? What is that all about?
So now I'm walking blindly. The Lord has NOT given me a promise. He has not spoken anything directly to me about ANY of this. I've been repenting for sin I find as I go. And I wait.
A very different place to be. I really don't want to talk to people about it anymore. I don't want to think about it all any more. I WANT TO LIVE IN DENIAL!!! Yet I don't!
In a nutshell, life is just full of contradictions and uncertainty. One thing I KNOW - God loves me. And for now, that's ALL I HAVE - I HAVE TO BELIEVE IT AND TRUST THAT TRUTH!!! It's all I have!
After spending weeks of just getting up right away, I had a complete MELT DOWN and thought, in COMPLETE HONESTY, that I was down for the count. I wasn't sure I wanted to get up or that I could get up. My head has been spinning, my emotions are raw, my body even aches at times.
For the first time I was able to relate to Job. I pondered him a lot actually. How can you lose EVERYTHING like he did and still not curse the name of the Lord? WOW!!! While I didn't curse God or His Holy name, I did ask lots of questions!!! He could have stopped so much of what has taken place. He could have answered our prayers the way we wanted Him too. He could have stepped in and made some of this easier. Yet, He didn't. I kept waiting for the Lord to come and ask me what He asked Job - where were you when I created the heavens and the earth?
Instead though God has been silent. I've thought about the angel in Daniel who was unable to get through quickly because of the battle. I wondered if that was part of this. I've put praise music on to help keep my focus. I've laid on my bed and pondered life and what will happen next. I've avoid thinking by watching TV. I've gotten out of bed on days when all I really wanted to do was just lay there. Not that I've gotten out every day but I did manage to do it more than not!
I spent 5 nights crying and not sleeping. When I say crying, I really mean WAILING. I'm talking about crying so hard that my body was shaking, I couldn't see, I couldn't move crying. THEN, it stopped. It was some of the most intense GRIEF I've ever felt.
The battles now are fear of the unknown. This is where I have to trust God and for the first time since becoming a follower of Jesus, I've had trouble with trusting. I don't know why. I've revisited how God has provided for me - all the times He not only came through for me but did more than I ever deserved! No matter how I've felt in the past - He's never left me. He's always showed up. He's always brought good from bad. He's always taught me lessons. He's ALWAYS been God. Yet this time I've struggled with trusting? What is that all about?
So now I'm walking blindly. The Lord has NOT given me a promise. He has not spoken anything directly to me about ANY of this. I've been repenting for sin I find as I go. And I wait.
A very different place to be. I really don't want to talk to people about it anymore. I don't want to think about it all any more. I WANT TO LIVE IN DENIAL!!! Yet I don't!
In a nutshell, life is just full of contradictions and uncertainty. One thing I KNOW - God loves me. And for now, that's ALL I HAVE - I HAVE TO BELIEVE IT AND TRUST THAT TRUTH!!! It's all I have!
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