Reflections

What a month!!! For 4-5 weeks now it has been one blow after another. It reminds me of the Rocky movies!!! I feel like my body AND my faith have taken some real blows and now I'm all bloody and can barely see out of my eyes. It has felt like I'd get up from the last blow and BAM, another one comes out of no where! I've not seen some of these coming and the ones I knew where headed toward me, I couldn't avoid, I just had to take it.

After spending weeks of just getting up right away, I had a complete MELT DOWN and thought, in COMPLETE HONESTY, that I was down for the count. I wasn't sure I wanted to get up or that I could get up. My head has been spinning, my emotions are raw, my body even aches at times.

For the first time I was able to relate to Job. I pondered him a lot actually. How can you lose EVERYTHING like he did and still not curse the name of the Lord? WOW!!! While I didn't curse God or His Holy name, I did ask lots of questions!!! He could have stopped so much of what has taken place. He could have answered our prayers the way we wanted Him too. He could have stepped in and made some of this easier. Yet, He didn't. I kept waiting for the Lord to come and ask me what He asked Job - where were you when I created the heavens and the earth?

Instead though God has been silent. I've thought about the angel in Daniel who was unable to get through quickly because of the battle. I wondered if that was part of this. I've put praise music on to help keep my focus. I've laid on my bed and pondered life and what will happen next. I've avoid thinking by watching TV. I've gotten out of bed on days when all I really wanted to do was just lay there. Not that I've gotten out every day but I did manage to do it more than not!

I spent 5 nights crying and not sleeping. When I say crying, I really mean WAILING. I'm talking about crying so hard that my body was shaking, I couldn't see, I couldn't move crying. THEN, it stopped. It was some of the most intense GRIEF I've ever felt.

The battles now are fear of the unknown. This is where I have to trust God and for the first time since becoming a follower of Jesus, I've had trouble with trusting. I don't know why. I've revisited how God has provided for me - all the times He not only came through for me but did more than I ever deserved! No matter how I've felt in the past - He's never left me. He's always showed up. He's always brought good from bad. He's always taught me lessons. He's ALWAYS been God. Yet this time I've struggled with trusting? What is that all about?

So now I'm walking blindly. The Lord has NOT given me a promise. He has not spoken anything directly to me about ANY of this. I've been repenting for sin I find as I go. And I wait.

A very different place to be. I really don't want to talk to people about it anymore. I don't want to think about it all any more. I WANT TO LIVE IN DENIAL!!! Yet I don't!

In a nutshell, life is just full of contradictions and uncertainty. One thing I KNOW - God loves me. And for now, that's ALL I HAVE - I HAVE TO BELIEVE IT AND TRUST THAT TRUTH!!! It's all I have!

The Children's Ramp

My 17 year old niece has gone to the RAMP several times. The first time she went there was this FIRE of GOD in her. I was curious but I have to admit the thought of sleeping on a floor in a church building and being in loud music for hours and dancing all that time just didn't appeal to me.

When they offered the Children's ramp I already knew I was leaving Sunday school leadership and Awana leadership so I didn't think I'd need to go. Well, God had another plan. So I went. I took my 10 year old niece.

Things I learned at the Ramp. The people who run it are Godly! Karen Wheaton is an incredible woman of God. She had such a way with the kids. Chosen - the dance team - really ministered to the kids!!! The guest speaker was ok but I didn't get much from her. I was reminded of how important it is for me to pray over and for the children and that God uses children and my job is to help them learn how to hear God's voice. Whether I'm in leadership or not has nothing to do with my job....God has given me some relationships and I need to be very INTENTIONAL about speaking to these kids about things I never heard.

I also, loved the worship time. It was good to be reminded that it is FUN to worship GOD. It is great to yell Jesus at the top of your lungs.

I also rediscovered my joy in being around kids! I've been so tired of late that it has been hard to remember why I was doing what I was doing!

There were 750 kids at this event and it was amazing to see the children raise their hands in praise and to jump and sing as they don't do in adult worship times.

So now the questions I have, is what do you want me to do with this Lord?

You can see more about the Ramp at their web site - Karen Wheaton or the Ramp. they also have a place on my space.

got prayer....

Yesterday I had some wonderful friends pray for me - not anything "wrong" just had the chance and took it. There were a few things I wanted to share because I think they are important to share - the rest I'm still pondering in my heart.

One thing is that as a single woman, I just don't get touched very often. That's one of the things I've loved about working with the younger children in Sunday school and Awana. They'll hug you!!! Oh, I'll get a handshake and some hugs but it was just different to have someone rub my back and touch my arm. It's something I didn't even know I was missing!

Second, it's so important to just let people love you. I have to admit, I don't' feel worthy of just being loved! I've always felt I needed to "do" in order to be loved and it was so important for me to just let these friends love me without any "doing" on my part!

Good lessons! And things I need to continue to ponder along with some other things....What a blessed woman I am!!!!

Life changes?

As my friends know our family business has had some rocky times these past 4-5 years. Well, I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do yet but I'm starting that process of "job hunting" and "life evaluation" ~ It's an uneasy time because the older I get the more I want to nest and stop moving around! Yet there is a sense of excitement that God is not done with me yet! So now, I'm asking God where can I best be used by Him to further the kingdom. He brought me "home" to be with family ~ is it now time to move away from home. I've loved owning a home, is it time to go back to renting a little place! What's my part in the story ~ what chapter are you writing Lord?

I KNOW I can't go on feelings - in fact in the past 2 weeks I've had totally different "feelings" about what I should be doing. So Faith and Obedience is again the request of me from the Lord. Well enough on this.

John has graduated - last night!!! He's excited about going to college on a b'ball scholarship but also nervous. I'd like to stick around town so I can go watch him play at every home game!!! So, that plays a part in my new chapter too....

Next week the 2 girls graduate!!! Life does keep changing!!! That's the only thing that's for sure!!!

After the Fast

Well, today is the first day after a 40 day Fast that was called by our church Body. I have to admit it was good to eat some meat this a.m. and have a diet coke! But there are some things that I don't want to forget from this fast. We were fasting for the repentance of our nation. It was ended last night by a solemn assembly which was good! We spoke out the sins of our nation and asked God to forgive us, we worshipped and we had some quiet time of reflection.

One thing that God spoke over and over to me about our nation and specifically about me ~ is a our tendency to grumble over things we don't have. We are the richest people in the world materially and yet instead of being thankful that we have a car - unlike many in the world, we grumble because it's not a new car or a nice car. That instead of being truly thankful for our food we grumble because we fast from meat - when most people don't eat meat every day or even every week. It was very profound to be reminded just how RICH I really him. The mere fact that I'm typing on a computer, sitting at a desk, wearing different clothes each day, turning on a water facet to get water rather than walking to a well all speak of how wealthy I am and how wealthy others are. So, now, to live with that knowledge and to watch my attitude is the challenge I leave this fast with. What an amazing God we have that he would even desire to bless me! Thank you God for the blessing of living in a free country with many wonderful blessings!

A Good Word

A good friend wrote me in an e-mail today and included the following:

Deut. 20:1-4

“When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come foreword and address the army. He shall say: “Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.”

And then I found the following on Living Proof's web site with Beth Moore. It is awesome! I'm sure she wrote it:

Count it a joy, Dear One

When life gets hard.

God is doing something huge! He is also proving

That you are NOT a fake.

Be brave, Mighty Warrior.

Your God is with you!

When waves are crashing,

Stand to your feet,

Throw your head back

And feel the wind of the Spirit!

God is painting a masterpiece

With multi-colored trials.

Go forth and display

Divine special effects

To the great glory of God.

YOU CAN DO IT!

And so we are in a battle, we are in a war. A war for our hearts and minds. It's nice to have taken the week "off", so to speak, with no ministry for a few days just to rest and regroup. I've listened to worship music and just rested in the Lord's presence. I've spent time in the Word and that also has kept me going. Those who think life is always fun and is just one big party aren't dealing with real life. With the pain of others, with the sadness that comes from being here on this earth. Oh, don't get me wrong I love to laugh and have fun but life isn't always about that! Sometimes it is crying with those who cry and sitting with those who are in a huge disappointment. That's where Jesus was and that's where I want to be but it has been nice to take a break.

Running the Race

I was pondering yesterday the thought of running the race that Jesus has me in. I felt like I had let him down somehow, I'm weary and ready to stop. Then He came and said, I wasn't quitting I was at a water break point. What I needed was to have some time at the water break station. Here I drink deeply of the Living Water and then I'll be ready to run again. I just need to take a short break and if I try to run without the Living Water break, then yes, I will have to quit because I'm not taking care of myself in the race. So, for now, I'm seeing these next few days of "rest" as my Living Water break so that I can return to the race and finish the course! Thanks Lord for understanding that these mortal bodies are limited and that we just need to take a "water break" every so often so we can continue to run for you!

I wonder what it looks like.....?

I was just pondering last night about what things look like in the spiritual realm. With books out like "This present darkness" which ponders the same thing I let my mind wonder to what would it look like. One crazy thought I had was do we who are followers of Jesus Christ look like torches in the darkness of this world. I could just see a room that is filled with darkness and those who dwell there and in walks a follower of Jesus - a torch - filling the room with light and causing the creatures of darkness to scatter - at least for a moment because of the blinding light. Then I wondered, what if you believe in Jesus but aren't living for him, what would that look like and I could see these little coals that are barely warm - giving out very little light and how the darkness didn't scatter from it. It moved away but not far.

Even if the creatures of the darkness scatter from a torch they still tend to put on some sort spiritual sunglasses to keep the light from hurting their eyes and come after the torch - trying to smother it with a blanket of shame, condemnation or judgement. Or pour water filled with bitterness, anger, hate or inconsistency on the torch. Yet if the torch will cry out to Jesus - He comes and removed the blanket or dispels the water. If the torch doesn't cry out - the flame may grow dim or have a portion put out.

Anyway, that was my pondering last night!