Grace & Mercy

This past week I've been filled with "myself." I've seen more of my sin nature than I ever care to see again! Things that I've dealt with in the past and thought had put away, came rolling back in to torment me. As I have been cleaning up my heart through confession and repentance, today, I was reminded of REAL grace & REAL mercy.

Thank you God that I don't get what my sin deserves! Thank you that you allow me a chance to come to you - over and over as needed - to get cleaned up. To put back on the robe of righteousness. I don't deserve it in any way. Yet you so freely come to me as I walk back down the road - toward home - and you place the robe of righteousness back on me and place your ring back on my finger. THEN you celebrate my return. It's all so amazing to me.

I don't know that I can ever understand how people live this life without You. Jesus you overwhelm me with your love and goodness to me. Thank you for not letting me get to far down the road before I hear your voice calling for me to come home. Thank you that whenever I do come back to confess, you give me forgiveness. Thank you for GRACE & MERCY!

Love How God works with me!

Since writing last night about disappointment and being alone again in the job, the Lord has come to give me a little insight. One thing He impressed upon me is that when I left Colorado I was sad to think about how my time alone with Him was so sweet because He was all I had. Then as I was thinking about how I would respond when I get the question, which I'm asked whenever a decision has been made and I'm informed of it, 'is that ok?' - I've asked Jesus to do the responding. That if I'm to be Jesus on this campus, then even my human disappointment must come under His authority. So, Jesus come and respond however you want. Jesus, use this time that I'll be alone on the job to do some things in me and through me.

Take this great disappointment that things aren't turning out the way I thought they would and make something beautiful and glorifying to God the Father out of it. Take the tears I shed over it not turning out the way I thought it would be and turn them into laughter that comes from the depth of joy in YOU. Mold me using this situation. Thank you for this opportunity to turn to You again. This did not catch you by surprise and You have a plan - please sir, would you show me the plan and give me some direction.

Blessed is the name of the Lord Our God - the Creator of Heaven & Earth. Who can know your plans, for your ways are higher than my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts...make my thoughts like yours!

Alone Again?

What a disappointment I had today! I LOVE my new job. I've been there a month and I'm enjoying the work and the people. Then today my boss tells me that he is going to spend most of his time in a different building and a different office. The disappointment is that it puts me working alone - again! Just like when I was at Montrex and spent most days by myself. The big difference this time is that I won't have any freedom in that alone time because it's not my family's business!

So I've been really feeling the disappointment. It's not like I want my boss around all the time by any means but from what I understand, it will be more like he's never around. We'll conduct all our business over the phone or by e-mail. And that leads me to ask the question...so God what is this all about?

Oh, I know my boss has some personality things going on and that this is not about me in any form or fashion. He did the same thing with the previous secretary. But what is this going to be about as far as God's plan? Why would I be in another job where I'll be spending 95-98% of my time alone? My first thought is Colorado. Only instead of going home to be alone, I'll be alone at work. But I also am spending a lot more time alone at home as well, so what's that about?

This is one big puzzle - I KNOW that God has a plan but I can not see it. I know HIS plans are more advanced than any man's thoughts or plans. He has placed me in this place for a reason so, what's that reason. With all the jobs I looked at, one of my greatest concerns was being alone in an office again - and here I am! Oh I know, there are some people down the hall and there will be a few people who bring me things but I've found that for the most part, when I'm alone in the office, I'm ALONE in the office.

OK, the plan - spend some time with Jesus and see if He won't give me some insight or a plan to do this again - and to do it in an even more hostile environment than I've been in before.

Somehow, just laying it all out like this has helped to lift some of the disappointment. Yep, I'm doing better - not because of anything magical about typing this out but because I know that Jesus has the plan and seeing that in black and white makes it even more powerful. Stay tuned and see what Jesus has to reveal in this situation! :)

Turning 50

Today, I turned 50! I have so been looking forward to 50 ~ it is my year of jubliee! After the past year, actually, past several years, I'm ready for some jubliee!

What a gift God gave me first thing this a.m. - I take Snickers out and the golden leaves are raining down in my front yard. It was so beautiful to watch so many leaves all falling gently to the ground! The crisp fall air and the beautiful sun rise reflecting off the golden leaves.

Lunch with my dad - such a wonderful time for just me and him! We just chatted and it was pleasant - no stress at all!

Then tonight, my dear sister, has a limo pick me up and it is FULL of my dearest gift of all - my friends! We laughed and laughed. My first time in a limo and I must say - it was a TREAT!

As I reflect upon the dear faces that sat around the table I'm so amazed at the grace and mercy of God. To have such precious friends, ladies that I love to spend time with! Women of God who have braved the battles of life, laughed together and cried together. Women who bring a smile to my face when I just think of them.

Yes, 50 is fine! No mid-life crisis - all though I think I'm past mid-life anyway, but no crisis. How can there be regrets when I have so many blessings. How can getting older be bad when you have so many people to love? How can 50 be bad when God is so AMAZING! No regrets, only praise for the one who has given me more than I could have ever asked for or even imagined. A family that I LOVE more with each day. Friends to share life. God you are so good to me...forgive me for the times I let the everyday steal the joy of knowing you! Thank you for 50 amazing years and for whatever time you want me to have here on earth. Thank you God for the gift of my life!

Elections & God's Will

As I was praying this morning about the election, I asked for God's will to be done. I know what my opinion of what I wanted that to be, because it would make my life more secure and less frightening.

Then tonight I was working on my Bible study and it was on learning through suffering. It all got my thoughts going with how I just hate to suffer. I'm such a spoiled American. I don't really know what suffering for my faith is all about. Even when I have suffered loss or difficult circumstances, it has not been like others who suffer TRUE hunger, loss of home, a family killed in an explosion, or the fear to walk the streets.

I know this, it is God's Will that Christ returns for the church one day. Perhaps, the events that have taken place today are necessary for that part of His will to happen. This I KNOW, God loves all men and desires none to be lost. God promised Jesus would return. God's will being done on this earth is my heart's cry. Nothing that happens is a surprise to God. So, in these days of uncertainty I choose to thank God that He works all things together for good and I commit to pray for my leaders and my country ~ more now than before!

The Blues

I was just evaluating why I'm experiencing the "blues" today. It started with 2 1/2 hours at Firestone waiting for my car - about $700 worth of stuff had to be done. The van is also in need of repairs so that got me going I think. I was sitting there at one point and thought it felt like Colorado. Now you need to understand that whenever I think of Colorado there is good and tough stuff there. Colorado was the loneliness time of my life. I felt shelved by the Lord and didn't have any "running around" friends. I had a wonderful job and some wonderful people in my life but I was very 'alone' on weekends and evenings. That is what it felt like today at Firestone. Now truth is that in Colorado and here, there are people in my life and I am loved...that doesn't change how I was feeling at the moment.

So, tonight I was thinking about how I'm about to turn 50 and wondering about life choices I've made and things that might be different. Then it hit me, I needed to get up and get the lights on in the house, turn on some praise music and count my blessings. Mind you, that doesn't change some things in my life but it does help me to see things more clearly. I'm facing a new job and while I'm excited about it, I still have the same feelings I did when I was in my 20's starting something new, 'will I be good at this job?', 'will the people like me?', 'will I like the people?'

Somethings never change and others get better with time or at least become more in focused. This one thing I know, that Jesus has taken good care of me! He didn't die on the cross so that I would walk in failure, sadness, or defeat. No, whatever comes my way, Jesus is for me. Victory may not look like the world's idea of success but victory in my heart and life will look like the Kingdom of God. So while I'm battling the blues I choose now to praise God for all He has done in my life. If that doesn't chase the blues away, nothing will!

See, God has given me a house of my own. He's given me 2 cars, my family close by, a loving church family, friends I love and enjoy, and now a job! But those things aren't the best of what He's given me. He's teaching me patience in circumstances and with people. He's given me peace that makes no earthly sense. He loves me with an amazing eternal love I can't begin to comprehend and He's so merciful that when I sin, He's there to teach me from it and forgive me of it. Yeah, I think reflecting on these things can chase away the blues. I'm feeling better already. Off now to get somethings done around this lovely earthly home He's given me.

God's Presence

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:4

These two verses were in my Bible study today and touched me deep down in the depth of my heart and my mind. God's Peace was the subject of today's study and I'm overwhelmed at how Jesus said "my peace I leave with you." It makes no sense to be unemployed for 6 months and be at TOTAL peace. It makes no sense that when my checking account AND savings account reached about $100 together, that I was FINE. Did I let people know, yes, but I trusted that GOD would be the provider because no one I'm close to has any money! And the one source I would have never expected to provide ~ did. That was God's provision! Only He can move the hearts of men!!!!

But the peace I know is so much deeper and more expansive than just financial. I'm actually enjoying the work God has me doing while I wait for the job He wants me to do. I'm enjoying my days even though they are FULL!!! I had no idea how I would fill a day if I didn't work and these last few months, God has shown me how quickly HE can fill a day! I'm loving it and while I'm ready to go to a job, I will SO MISS THIS TIME!!!! I wish I could have enjoyed it more and longer but alas, there was a period of physical, emotional, and spiritual rest that had to take place. Now that I'm at a place of enjoying this time, a job may be coming soon! But it's a job I think I would enjoy, at a place I think I would enjoy. SO, I wait.

But in the wait, what peace and joy exist right now. What fun to spend an hour in the morning with the Lord and then have time to write e-mails, clean up some, talk with a friend or 2, make a list of things to do, then check off from the bigger to do list for the week what will be done today. what a joyful time this is to work at things that I love and with or for people I love with control of my time belonging only to God. I'll miss this time! It reminds me of my life in Colorado.

For those first few years in Colorado, there was a great deal of struggle. So many things were distractions and my own understanding of who God created me to be was at a place of confussion. Then, God changed me. It was slow but it was good! As my value no longer was tied to my work or how others viewed me. My peace came from doing the job God gave me and doing it well. My joy came from being alone - because I was never completely alone, I always had Jesus there. How sweet the times at Praise Mountain were as I met alone with my God and He loved on me. I remember telling the Lord as my time in Colorado came to a close, I will miss these times even though they have been hard. I say the same of this struggle.

Bless the Lord oh my soul, for He is good to me when I do not deserve it! He is faithful to me when I can not see it. He is kind to me, when kindness is what I need and yet may not deserve. He is always at work in me, through me and around me - Open the eyes of my heart Lord that I may see You and all the work You are doing. Change my heart Lord that it will NEVER again be satisfied with anything this world has to offer and it will not seek anything in this world but will long more for You. Keep me in Your presence, even if it means keeping me in hard situations. Give me physical and emotional strength through Your Peace, Your Joy and Your Presence. Keep before me the sweetness of Your Presence and make me super sensitive to when I grieve You through sin of my thoughts, word or deed.

May the God of all REAL Peace bless any who read this blog with HIMSELF today.

Weddings

Today, my sweet niece became a MRS. It was a beautiful outdoor ceremony with just the families there. My cousin came to take the pictures, which was a HUGE blessing! Then we had a little reception at my brother's house. I can't believe the little girl who came to stay with me one weekend in Franklin - many, many moons ago - and sang in the back seat as we drove to get dinner out - McDonald's of course - is now a married woman.

There are several weddings in the next month and they all have special meanings to me. This is the only time I wonder what it would have been like if I had married and had a child. Most of the time I am EXTREMELY content with my life but today, I wondered what it would have been like to be a parent giving my daughter in marriage. I have no regrets, just wonderment at the way life changes.

I can be so harsh on parents sometimes. I try not to be, because it's the hardest job in the world, but alas, I have found myself saying things that come out before I think. It is amazing to me that God gives the blessing of children and then how that blessing is expanded and grows through time as you become an in-law and grandparent. What a wonderful God to give so freely, knowing that the gift of a child will bring you great job even to your old age!

Today, with no regrets, just wonderment, I again am reminded that children are a blessing! And that while I will never know what it is to have a child, I do have the joy of participate in the joy of God's gift, even if only briefly. What a great day this has been ~ a day of remembrance ~ a day of rejoicing ~ a day of new beginnings. Thanks God for the joy of being an aunt.

Going Deeper

God has taken me a little deeper than I communicated last night and thought this a.m. "I need to blog this too don't I Lord" ~ so here's some of the deeper stuff.

About 2 weeks ago in Cleansing Streams a wonderful sister hit the nail on the head as I was wrestling with what was going on in my relationship with the Lord. A husband needs to be respected. I was not respecting the Lord as my husband. I came home that night and asked for all the ways I was being disrespectful and my loving Husband told me. So I repented.

This a.m. my Beloved was showing me how the anger I felt toward Him for not "rescuing me the way I want to be rescued" was the root of my disrespect. We had already been talking about some of the anger stuff and I KNOW that the peace I have now is because I'm not angry with God for being God and not following my agenda. But with that anger, I was reminded of how many times I've been able to see when someone is angry with God and have talked to them about 'forgiving' God. Deep within us is that flesh that desires to be God ~ that part that came into existence in the Garden of Eden ~ and when we get angry with God, we are so arrogant to think that God, the Creator of Heaven & Earth, the Redeemer of our Souls, the Counselor who abides in us an creates a new heart in is - that this Holy, Righteous God is suppose to do what we want, when we want, how we want. Now, don't think this is a new revelation to me, I've known that this is a lie from the pit of hell, however, somehow this time this went to a deeper place. A place that asked God to forgive me for even thinking that I should have those type of expectations. It went to a place that I could physically feel deep in my spirit and did only what God can do - it somehow changed something.

May this be of encouragement that when we reach places in our lives where we are wrestling and hurting with why things are the way the are ~ that God desires to come in and go to a deep place and change something. Our role ~ to hear with spiritual ears, repent of sin, and honor Him as the Holy One of Israel.

Peace in the Storm

I'm not sure how to start this blog but I know I need to write some for me mostly but also in case anyone is reading these. As I'm interviewing for different jobs and waiting for the Lord to show me how He'll pay the bills, I'm at peace. At first, I did wonder if this was denial but I now can say, it really is peace. In fact, I'm not letting myself really think about it much right now. Instead, I'm focusing on the things I'm suppose to be doing for family and friends. And most importantly, I'm spending more time in the Word.

Cleansing Streams and Living Beyond Yourself are walking me through the same process right now but from different angles. I'm spending some time just reading in John as well. I wish I could tell you that I spend hours upon hours in the Word and reading, but that's not the case. I do spend more time but I'm also busy doing other things - for people that I love.

I realized that I'm actually ready to get back to a routine with a job. Up until now, the thought of going to a job was depressing. But now, I see my mind resting, my spirit at peace, and Jesus is healing my heart, thus work doesn't seem to be so overwhelming. Now as to what work I do, don't really care. AND in addition, I'm ok with just working part time for a while if that's what is best for me. If anyone would have told me 8 months ago that I would be in this place now, I would of told them ~ "you're crazy" ~ this can only be to God's glory and for His purposes.

It's been a LONG time since I felt like God 'liked' me or 'loved' me. I think that the circumstances have been so difficult that I lost my perspective. I know I lost my motivation and my desire to be with God just to be with Him. I recently described it like being in a marriage where you are in a season where you are going through the motions, doing loving things but with no real love behind it. Being in a place with your spouse where you talk about the things of the day but don't talk about heart matters, dreams, desires or adventures. I've wanted to fall back in love with the Lord but have not known how to go about it. What is so wonderful, is that He has come after me and is showing me in so many wonderful ways that He likes me and He loves me ~ or as the author of THE SHACK put it ~ He's especially fond of me!

The Creator of the universe, the God of Abraham, the King of Kings, the Comforter, the One and Only, the Great I Am, meets with me daily to tell me that He likes me, that He loves me and that He will be my protector, provider and Beloved. It just doesn't get better than this here on earth!

SEASONS

I'm reminded that God takes us through different seasons. This season of life seems somewhat like fall. Things are dying off, while there are bright colors you know that death is about to follow...or a time of being dormant. Some things in me need to die. My self interest, my selfishness, some ugly attitudes, and a lack of gratefulness.

As I was typing the above, I was reminded of when I was in an interview, there were 2 people in the interview for graduate school. The man asked me what I felt was an area I had improved in and grown in. I gave him an answer I don't remember now, then a few questions later he asked me what area did I need to grow and change in. I said the same area I had told him I'd seen growth in. He was all over that...'but you just said earlier that you had really grown in that area. Which is true?' I remember smiling and explaining to him that while I had seen great growth in that area, I still had a long way to go so they were both true. That's the way of life isn't it? We grow in an area and yet we still see need for growth. Pride, materialism, quick to form opinions or judgements, a lack of prayer or time in the word, ALL of these are better than they had been but not what they should be. And what should they be? Better than they were the day before.

This season is peppered with opportunities to serve and I'm asking God to show me how to serve better, to love more, to be kinder, more committed, more faithful....less of me, more of Jesus.

So after fall comes winter. When all looks and feels cold. When trees seem to have no fruit, all that is happening is deep down, hidden from all eyes. Is that the season we are heading to next Lord?

Seasons....something I need to ponder more.

Glory

John 2:11 talks about how after Jesus turned water to wine "...thus revealed his glory and the disciples put their faith in him."

Well, this took me on a chase. I got to thinking what did it mean that turning water into wine showed "his glory." So off I go to look up the word Glory - went to Vine's dictionary: the nature and acts of god in self-manifestation....what He essentially is and does, as exhibited in whatever way he reveals Himself in these respects....exhibited in the character and acts of Christ while here on earth...then it mentions, in Cana (where he turned water to wine) His grace and power were exhibited.

Then Websters - 1828: splendor, magnificence, praise in adoration and honor, the divine presence, divine perfections or excellence.

So that got me thinking how God's character was seen in this miracle - His grace and His power. Now I want to look at each miracle and see what God was revealing of Himself through them.

In my own life, God's shown His amazing PEACE that doesn't make earthly sense. How can it?

Then, I've thought about all that has taken place this year, more than I can write....decisions that family members have made that have been hard to accept, the closing of the business was closing a chapter in my life - imagine how my brother feels when he's been there over 20+ years! As long as I can remember these businesses have been a part of the Fraley family.

I've felt a cloud has been over me for several years and NOW, finally at this moment in time, I finally feel like I'm starting to see outside of the fog. This past year has really been about survival. I've not sought the Lord in the usual ways. OH, I've prayed but I've not been in His Word like I would have thought. I think if I'm really honest with myself, a part of me has been angry with Him. Why? Because this has all been hard and messy. Now, I've sought His forgiveness and His mercy for my self indulgence and my 'pity party'.

Oh, it's not all over, not by a long shot....but I'm no longer wrestling with the whys, hows, and what's next? I'm finally at rest with it all...or at least with God. So...if you are in a struggle, HOLD FAST - God's Glory will be revealed. Just HOLD ON...He can change water to wine, He can change my life from selfish to service, anger to praise, frustration to forgiveness, wrestling to peace. This is the Lord God Almighty's speciality!!! And HIS Glory will cause those around to follow Him!!!!

Over a year

WOW, I can't believe it's been a year. What a year it has been. We have closed Montrex down now and it was harder than I ever dreamed it would be. For months - since last fall - each week was up in the air...will we close this month or not. We finally just reached the point after Christmas when dad made the choice to close it all down. The building went on the market and in 3 weeks it was sold. UNHEARD of really! There was property that surrounded us that had been on the market for over 7 years and we sold in 3 weeks! Only Pappa can do that!!!!

So this blog is just to get things up and moving again and over the next week or so, I plan to review this past year and ponder some of the things that have taken place and where things seem to be headed. Not that I have any idea about the future!

But it has taken me months to get to feeling more "normal" emotionally and spiritually. I've known some hard times - suicidal death of a co-worker and all that came as a result of that, including testifying in court, having my heart broken - not just in a romantic way but in the loss of my mom to mental illness, the loneliness of being out west with no family, the loss of some dreams, and having work situations where there was behavior that bordered on abusive. But this past year has been the most difficult. That's what I'll be writing about mostly. So, if you want to walk this road, check in often or sign up for an e-mail update.

I'm also getting back on track with my crafting blog if you have an interest - check it out!